Wounded.Broken. Flattened. But Alive

Wounded.Broken. Flattened. But Alive

Wounded.Broken. Flattened. But Alive

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It should kill you, being told you’re not worthy, being told you are not loved, being rejected, being looked down on.

It should kill you but it doesn’t.

It feels like it’s going to.

In the silence, after words like that drop their weight onto your heart…all you can do is struggle to draw a breath and pray that life will somehow magically rewind to the moment before the person God told you to be and who you were before the world told you who you should be.

But it doesn’t.

For love…. In the long, impenetrable stillness, after words like that are spoken…you stare at the one across from you in a desperate attempt to recognize a glimpse of the person you know and love. Instead, you find staring back at you the cold, removed gaze of a stranger.

What about all the laughter? All the tears? All the passion? All the joys? All the pain? All the years? All the kisses? All the history? Where is it all now? The years of pulling and pushing and forgiving and forgetting and fighting and loving? Has the story been rewritten? The pages ripped out? Who changed the ending without telling you? How could this possibly be the final scene?

“I’m not in love with you.”

“I’m no longer attracted to you.”

“I don’t want to be with you.”

Words spoken with the precision and steel of a blade being thrust into your chest. And isn’t that what each sentence like that is? A slash to your heart? Until the blood and tears run together and you’re blinded by the pain and you can no longer remember what it feels like to be whole?

You never thought you will ever lose your job. You never thought the one you loved so much will die. You did not get into school for the umpteenth time again!

It should kill you…but it doesn’t.

Instead, it leaves you wounded. Flattened. Broken.

But alive.

Curled up in a ball on the floor, but alive. Isn’t it odd how great joy and great pain both draw tears from your eyes? How love and loss both take your breath away? Such a thin line between hurt and hope. Between tragedy and triumph. Between sorrow and strength.

It should kill you…but it doesn’t.

Instead, it leaves you stronger.

It’s a strength you didn’t know a week ago. An hour ago. Five minutes ago. You didn’t ask for it. You’d gladly give it back if you could. But you can’t. It’s yours. An unyielding and unapologetic gift given to you by the one who also just finally…FINALLY…handed you the gift of closure.

Not closure by death. Closure by LIFE. New life. One without him in it.

For every chapter that ends…another begins.

Your life with him is over. With the slash of his words, the invisible cord that always seemed to bind you to him is finally severed. Your heart feels vacant but at peace. And what is that flash of SOMETHING you feel underneath all the pain? Something bordering on…relief?

This slashing, this cutting, this severing, this emptying, this hurting, this bleeding…

It should kill you, but it doesn’t.

Instead, it sets you free.

One comment on “Wounded.Broken. Flattened. But Alive”

  1. Ada

    Poetic and heart-warming essay!

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