My Quest For Love; Right Or Wrong
“Everyday a surgeon makes decisions that can go one of two ways; either very good or very bad. The problem is, the epically great decisions and the epically bad ones look exactly the same when you are making them,” – Grey’s Anatomy. I knew this day was coming and I would probably lose the most consistent male figure in my life at the moment, but I was emotionally and psychologically exhausted! I needed to clearly define the structure of the complex ‘situationship’ I engaged myself in with. I always did this. Truth is, I didn’t like this man, I loved him, with every nerve in me, but as the universe would have it loving him was wrong! Before you raise you eyebrows or gasp with your mouth left wide open it happens in the 21st century so let’s be real candid and have this adult talk. Statistically speaking, I have been made to believe that the ration of men to women is 1:3 meaning for every one man there are three women. I am a new age woman, but look around you, look at the situations be it your friends, sisters or cousins find themselves in, so spare me the wrath and let’s chat.
I fell in love with a married man, a charming,loving,caring,well groomed, highly educated, tall ,dark and handsome married man.I do not remember how it all started but this is what I know, the attraction between us was intense and if the odds favored us, we would have birthed another complex situation. His age was twice my age but his charismatic and intriguing personality made me feel secure around him. He was something I had never gotten from all the young boys around town. His political ventures had nothing to do as to why I was attracted to him neither were his multi-million dollar investments, believe it or not this was not a benefactor situationship, but something pure of which the heart was involved, at least that is what I tell myself. I remember one day telling my best friend Agola about him and lo and behold I said ,”it’s like having a father and a lover at the same time, my point being daddy cannot hurt you in fact his main agenda is protecting his daughter and so imagine having someone with all daddy traits as your man!” She was in disbelief that I was trying to justify my dilemma, and was even more shocked that I was not materialistic with him which is the expected scenario. I just loved him, it was simple and clear, I loved him.
Our relationship was alright but it had no sense of direction; it was okay for the moment it lasted, unfortunately it was not going to get through the tests of life. With both of us having a background in Criminal Justice we were experts at burying any evidence that was linked to us being a couple. The two laws of guilt could be justified in our situationship, in that the intent (mens rea) was holistic and pure with no malicious motives and the action (mens actus) was as a result of the love we felt for each other. Nonetheless sooner or later the entire spectrum had to bear the consequences of what it carried along. I was getting tired of the defined calling hours, meet up joints and also acting that he was indeed a good friend whereas he was my man. As if that was not enough I wanted progress, I wanted something more from him and I was not going to settle for less like being his second wife. I mean me? The daughter of Wanzala! Being a second wife? Abeg my people not in this life or the next!
Being with him felt right! It was great! I did not have to put up with the pressure his wife had. I was comfortable being second for once in my life and it was magnificent! It was being first without drawing unnecessary attention my way. All I had to do was learn on what the first was doing and most importantly missing out, because that was the essential reason for my existence in his life. I do not know what my game plan was but while the first put up with tremendous work, of ensuring everything was in order; I was taking notes just in case she slipped, since I was next on throne. However in the words of Karen Moning,”the most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our heads of something that our heart know is a lie.” The most important discovery I made as I was looking for reasonable cause was that I was a young girl by heart who was looking for her father, precisely the love of her father. This wrong man for my genuine and sincere love, reminded me of my absentee dad who should have been my first love. To my surprise, everything about him was what I knew about my dad at an early age before…well life happened. His physique, his poise, his mastery of vocabulary was all written my biologically father and that is why being with him felt so right yet so wrong. It quenched my thirst of looking for daddy, and filled up the empty space of not having a consistent male figure in life. But he wasn’t tied to me by blood, and we crossed boundaries!
All in all, the reasons I had were not valid enough because just like anyone else in life I have to deal with the card life hands me. I mean the world is busy spinning and so whether daddy never loved you, no one cares, especially Nairobians. They will empathize, but only for a moment and continue with their own lives as my friend Damilola would say in Yoruba, temi to mi (my own is enough).With Urbanization and Modernization, the society has made certain traits acceptable, or tolerable and that is why girls like me, lose a sense of direction every now and then. Anyways I had to be honest with myself, and restructure my life because somewhere in my journey I believe I will find someone meant for me, who will give me all the daddy oo love I never received as a little girl, someday. In this moment I connected with my inner self and had a very strong sense of self referred to as megalomania which felt like grande awakening needless to say a detoxifying process of anything that was not meant for me.
Damn Gina! It has not been a walk in the park, however I am responsible for the choices I make in my life, or in the famous poem Invictus by Williams Ernest Henly, out of the night that covers me… it matters not how straight the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.