Living With Bipolar Disorder
What really is bipolar disorder? It is mental disorder that causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior and other aspects of a person’s life from high to low and vice versa. For me, it started at a young age; as far back as I can remember maybe when I was a 5 year old. As a little child I handled problems like molestation alone, there were so many nights I cried in bed from thinking or maybe overthinking. Right now I’m sure you might want to ask me ‘how about your parents?’ naturally they should have been the only people I could talk to but I knew telling them anything is as good as telling any stranger how I felt and what I went through. I barely had friends as a little child not because I didn’t want to but I spent most of my days locked in at home.my toys were the only friends I had, and I would talk to them sometimes. There were days as a child I would sit on one spot because I thought I heard voices. Moving on to my teenage years which were the worst. Pre-teenage years I thought about suicide and during my late teenage years it got worse. I really can’t remember much from when I was thirteen to fifteen, but all I know is I smiled physically and cried inside, haunted by the past and hating the present. Those were the years I spent battling with self-esteem and trying to place myself in life and relate with my peers without being called weird. I also remember getting into a lot of fights at school.
However I do remember the rest of my teenage years, I battled with a lot from heart break, feeling suicidal, having internet friends as my only friends, hating pictures of myself, planning another life, trying to place my sexuality, anger issues, isolating myself from people, low self-esteem, difficulty relating with the opposite sex and so many more. At that stage I started having dreams of what I would want to do with my life it made me happy thinking about it. The difficult part was the anxiety of failing and not being successful at whatever I wanted to do with my life. I would do things like gambling, eating a lot, being wasteful with money or food not because I wanted to but because I felt it was a way of taking out my frustration. The worst thing about being bipolar is you can’t control it. Sometimes I would break down in class or when interacting with people. Although I wasn’t always on the low side, sometimes I would feel really confident and make a fool out of myself and that would bring me back to being low.
There are days I wake up and feel no motivation, sometimes I hear things and sometimes I just sleep for a really long time and some days I can’t sleep. I can say music has been the only thing that kept me together, I listen to a lot of music especially dark ones because those songs contain lyrics that describe me and how I feel about so many issues in life. Sometimes I would listen to some albums and cry. It’s like finally someone understands. We all have our ups and downs, but with bipolar disorder they are more severe. I use the fact that I am really creative and I know what to do as a motivation but it doesn’t work because anxiety sets in and I become low.
What have I done to help myself? Summer 2016 I stayed away from the internet and I tried to focus on things happening around me (real life). I tried to be free, make more friends, become more confident and participate in so many activities be honest that helped a bit ,during that period I didn’t face anything except the regular mood swings. I try to laugh a lot even when things aren’t as hilarious.
I became a better person and I gained a lot of self-esteem. However it’s so hard being bipolar it just keeps coming back. Few weeks after a great summer and it was back to square one. I literally gave up, continued to embrace the idea of suicide whenever it came. That’s when I started writing in my diary.
Quotes from the diary
‘What is wrong with me, I feel so empty right now’
“Wow I haven’t written in this book on a while. Anyway I can’t escape it for long. Its back! I feel angry, sad and alone. I just want little from life, this doesn’t make much sense.”
“Would love to make a few friends without using money”
“At this stage I feel the need to appreciate a few people who have shown me love and guess what ,they’re not even family but I consider them as family”
“What does it feel like to love and be loved?”
“So yeah, hey again little book. Although it’s November I feel really depressed about December. Want to know why? Sure I’ll tell you- Christmas is really not one of my favorite holidays because it has never been a ‘merry Christmas ‘plus it sucks having to spend it with people you don’t like. Everybody is happy during this period, why can’t I be too?”
‘Losing it right now, so many suicidal thoughts, but how do you end life fast and without pain? If I die who will cry/laugh. Feel so frustrated right now ugh.”
“Memories of Christmas as a child are such a bore”
“2017…this is the year. 5 months. Help me God, I want to die but I don’t want to die. Feel me?’
Basically that’s an insight into the world of an average bipolar person. If you are one keep fighting, Life gets overwhelming sometimes but I guess no matter what you have to keep your head up and most importantly surround yourself with good people. There are so many good people out there. Play your own little role by trying to be happy and productive. For people who don’t know what it’s like, the best you can do is to show support and love to those around you, doesn’t matter if they’re bipolar or not. That way it’s a win for all.